The view from the 'other' side :)

I was delighted when Mary agreed for me to do a guest blog. It’s been quite some time since I wrote a blog, and for those who use to read it you will know to expect lots of inappropriate stories. 

Whilst at dinner on our last night for our South Africa trip Mary and I sat reminiscing over all the funny things that have happened on our trip. That’s when I decided what better blog for me to write than the truth of our funny adventures according to EJ. 😊 

I will give each section a title so you can choose which ones you want to read or you can sit back with a cup of tea or a glass of wine / gin / vodka – I don’t discriminate against drinks and get ready for a good old chuckle! 

CAR PARK CATASTROPHY 

It was the afternoon before we were due to fly to South Africa. I was busy working away trying to get everything finished before heading to get my safari nails and travelling to Mary’s House. All of a sudden, I saw Mary was calling me. “Oh shit” I thought. This can’t be good why is Mary calling. I answered to a very flustered and dare I say panicked Mary. “Emma I can’t find the parking booking have you got it?” I searched my emails and no I didn’t have it. Mary had told me a couple of weeks earlier when I checked if the parking was sorted that she had it all booked and I had nothing to worry about. Now I was worried. So I said to her “Mary, you did book the car park didn’t you?” Her response “Well yes I thought I had but maybe I didn’t. I had a voucher and I think I used it but now I don’t know.” I calmly – yes really – said that we should check WhatsApp so a few searches of our chats and I found a screen shot of the booking it clearly said we had car parking but all of the other details, like who the booking was with and the reference number was missing. The result Mary had to ring Manchester Airport to try and find our booking.

MARY MADE ME LATE

So those of you who know me will know my worst nightmare is lateness. I absolutely hate it. I hate other people being late, but more than that I hate being late myself. Honestly my stress levels can’t handle it. We were on an excursion and we stopped at Cape Point and were told we had to be back at the bus at 16.10 and not a minute later. So we all had some food in a restaurant and when we came out we had 15 minutes spare. “Let’s go on the Cable Car” said Mary. Obviously I started to feel the stress rising. “We can’t go on the cable car we only have 15 minutes and we need to get up there take pictures and come down again”.  “It’s fine” said Mary. “No need to worry we have plenty of time.” As we bought the tickets I could feel the sweat trickle down the back of my neck. As a couple of others from our group passed I persuaded them to come up too. After all if I was going to be late I wasn’t doing it alone. Of course as we got to the front of the queue they put the barrier across and said we had to wait for the next car. By now I was checking my watch at 30 second intervals and I could feel my breath quickening – I can’t cope with this. The next car came and we had just 7 minutes and 43 seconds (yes I checked) until we had to go to the bus and we were on the way up a mountain to take some pictures of a shit lighthouse that I didn’t want to see anyway. As we got to the top we walked out and Mary started to wonder off taking photos. “For fucks sake” I said under my breathe we were now officially late. And not only were we late but we were late and up the top of a mountain. I couldn’t cope any longer so I went and stood by the cable car waiting for the down one. Mary finally (6 minutes and 27 seconds later) came and joined me. She found my stress hilarious and said she would take all responsibility for us being late, but I just knew she wouldn’t. As we headed to the bus she pushed me out of the way and boarded the bus first so I was last and happily said to our guide, Gordan, “Sorry we are late it was Emma’s fault.” I bloody knew she would do that so I announced to the bus: “So sorry to have kept you all waiting but Mary has had diarrhoea and hasn’t been able to get off the toilet” – Take that Mary Moscrop!!

DANGER – DON’T WANDER OFF (Whoops!!)

During the same excursion we went to Bo Kap. As the bus pulled in our guide Gordan gave us some really clear instructions. “Bo Kap is not a safe place there is a lot of crime and a lot of very bad people that want to hurt you. Leave all your belongings on the bus and do not wander off.” Easy I thought. Again those who know me will know I am actually a bit of a square and like to follow the rules – yeah ok others who know me will be like “you absolutely don’t” but on this occasion I was all for following the rules. So we were wandering down these lovely colourful streets and I stopped to take a photo and realised that I couldn’t see Gordon. “Oh shit I must have been dawdling and he has gone off without me.” I started to panic I didn’t want to get left behind so I hot footed down the street to find Gordon. All of a sudden I came to a t junction. On the right was a gang of men sitting staring at me. I have to be honest they didn’t look friendly, but I thought maybe they were on another tour. I looked to my left and there was another group of men but no Gordon. All of a sudden I heard my name. Gordon was back the way I came and was calling and waving me to come quickly. It is fair to say I got a bit of a telling off. I hadn’t dawdled I had actually over taken the group and walked straight in to the area to avoid. – Whoops

EVERY EXCURSION HAS THAT ANNOYING PERSON

After our wonderful full day excursion Mary and I were chatting about it over dinner. We were gushing over how amazing it was and the wonderful things we saw. Then I mentioned that I was really surprised that there was no one annoying on the tour. I am sure you will know on every tour or excursion you go on, there is always a really annoying person or couple that just does everyone’s head in. By the end of the day you all do the eye roll to each other when they speak with your own little language of annoyance. As we discussed this we suddenly had that awful realisation WE WERE THE ANNOYING PEOPLE. Holy shit! When did this happen, when did I become that annoying person. Let me explain. We were first on the bus and instead of taking the back seat like the cool kids we sat right at the front. We welcomed everyone on to the bus like we were the people in the know. We asked our tour guide literally a million questions. Everyone else didn’t get a look in. When  people didn’t do as they were told (like going into the undergrowth where there were snakes) we literally went up to Gordon with our hands up saying “ummmmm teacher look what they are doing.” We were always the first on the bus apart from that one stop when Mary had diarrhoea. There was no denying the facts we were “those people.”

SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE

Mary and I had been for a lovely dinner and decided to have a bottle of wine. Now it should be noted that I am a shit wine drinker. One glass of wine and I am drunk. It seemed Mary was the same. After our bottle of wine we were feeling some what giggly and we stopped to watch the African Dancers. I was mesmerised happily watching them wiggle and jiggle and shake their bodies. Next thing I knew one of the dancers was approaching me. I smiled and went to move out of the way for her. But oh no she didn’t want me to move she wanted me to go with her to dance with the troupe. There were loads of people watching and filming. My sober brain was going “don’t you even think about it. You will absolutely make a fool of yourself and you will be the new Ibiza Final Boss and will be an internet sensation for your terrible dancing, bad dress sense and lack of make up.” Whereas my drunk brain was going “Go go, you are a queen, a diva you can shake it shake it shake it.” So guess which one I listened to? Yes you guessed it, I got up with an African Dance Troupe and shook my boobs and booty like never before. 

IS THAT A COCK IN MY COCKTAIL

Mary and I went to a bar and asked for cocktails. The waiter was super keen to impress us and started to attempt lots of tricks whilst making them. He kept throwing up ice and trying to catch it in the shaker but kept missing. By the third miss Mary and I were laughing out loud at him and he gave up. In hindsight it was really unkind of us to laugh but it was so funny and he really thought he was something. He decided he would do a pattern on the top of Mary’s drink, I don’t know what he was going for but I swear right now it looked like a cock and balls. Obviously I couldn’t hold that back so I was crying with laughter. He however didn’t seem to see the funny side and quickly changed it to a squiggle erasing the cock and balls from the top of her drink. He really did put the cock into cocktail.

BLOWING IN THE WIND

As we took a leisurely stroll through the market of lots of home made items Mary stopped at a wind chime stand. The lady pounced straight away. “These wind chimes are made from recycled material and all the funds raised go to a  conservation charity. Do you like that one?” “ It’s like the one I have at home” says Mary. “Oh is it is it the same shape?” asked the lady. “No” says Mary “mine is more spherical it catches the sunlight and is so beautiful its made of aluminium. I’ve had it quite a while etc etc” honestly for about 5 minutes Mary was telling this lady all about her wind chime. I stood listening completely puzzled as to where in Mary’s garden this was, I don’t remember ever seeing it. As we walked away I asked Mary where her wind chime was and completely straight faced she told me that she had lied. She doesn’t have a wind chime and never had. She just thought telling the lady she had one might make her not speak to her – that really didn’t work.

GOING DOWN

How difficult could a lift be? I mean a lift is universal right? You go in press the number of the floor you want, get out when the doors open and exit the lift. Seriously it isn’t brain surgery. However at our Cape Town hotel we just couldn’t get the lifts right. We would press for number 2 but would come out at 1 so we would get back in the lift and it would take us back to LG where we started. We would press 2 again and then we would be on floor 1 or so we thought. So let me explain on each level it would give the floor number, but then it would give you the other floor number and what was on it causing immense confusion. Well for Mary and I anyway. On this one occasion this poor man was waiting to take his cleaning trolly upstairs but he had to let customers use the lift first so we got in pressed 2 but got taken to 1 (we didn’t we were actually on 2 see previous explanation.) Got back in the lift to go up to 2 but the man had already called the lift back to LG for his trolly so we arrive back on that level. “Sorry we say it took us to the wrong floor.” He looked at us in a very confused manner as we pressed 2. Doors opened and we were on floor 1 (We weren’t, we were on 2) so we got back in the lift and of course the man had called the lift so back to LG we went. He couldn’t believe we were there again and you could feel the annoyance radiating from him so we got out and said “I think we will take the stairs.”

SORRY WHO ARE YOU?

The day after our shark diving Mary and I were sat in the Time Out bar. “oh look” Mary said “That’s the family that did the shark dive with us”. We agreed it was them although Mary was sure they had a different son with them than the one that came diving. I was pretty sure it was him but anyone that knows Mary will know if she is convinced of something there is no proving it otherwise. So Mary being Mary she decided to go and say Hi. She walked over to them full of confidence and approached the daughter who sat on the end. – Just to set the scene the son and daughter were probably early 20’s we are not talking about kids here. “Hi were you shark diving yesterday.” Said Mary “We might have been” said the young woman completely suspicious of what this woman could possibly want. “Did you enjoy it? It was fantastic wasn’t it” Mary trilled. Again the woman and the rest of the family just looked at her like she was absolutely nuts. It was at that point Mary realised they had no idea who she was despite us having spent 4 hours with them on the shark dive. She quickly recovered herself and said “ Don’t you remember me I was on the shark dive with you.” They looked from one another and the son smiled at which point Mary said to the son “But you weren’t there were you it was the other man.” Again the family shared a look and at this point had made the decision that Mary must be unstable. “I was there” said the son “and we very much enjoyed it – bye” Mary was dismissed. 

SKINNY / FAT DIP

Why is skinny dipping called skinny dipping? Can you still say you went skinny dipping if actually you are fat? Would it then be fatty dipping? – One of life’s mysteries. Anyhow I have this list of 50 things I want to do before I am 50. I would just like to point out I still have 3 years until I get there, which is when all of you are meant to say “oh my I wouldn’t have thought you were anywhere near 50 in fact I would have said 40 max”.  Anyway I digress. So one of the things that is on my list is skinny dipping. Mary and I had gone on an adventure to find a waterfall. Unfortunately when we were about 3 quarters of the way up we came across a rock face with a metal rope which they expected us to scale. This was not going to happen so we decided instead to go into one of the pools we had passed for a nature swim. When we got down there I said to Mary how I have never skinny dipped and it is something on my list. Mary convinced me that I should just whip my bikini off and do it there and then. So I thought “What the hell! In for a penny – in for a pound.” I stripped off and got in the water. I was happily having a swim around when suddenly the film Stand By Me came to mind. If you haven’t seen it these kids swim in a lake and one of them gets a leech on his willy. That was it I was convinced some water based nasty was going to enter my foo foo and I started to panic. I decided to put my bikini back on. Just as I had it back on I turned to Mary and said “Wouldn’t it have been awful if people had seen me swimming naked.” Just as I had finished my sentence two people came into view. Now I can’t be sure they didn’t see my foo foo but at least nothing was inside! 

LOCKED IN 

At Franschhoek we had a lovely boutique hotel. All staff left at 6pm and you had different buttons on your key ring to get in and out. The first day Mary and I went on the wine tram and it is fair to say after 10 glasses of wine we were pretty drunk. Neither of us could be bothered to go out for food but we had only had some cheese and biscuits so we definitely needed something. I remembered that in the breakfast room they left out snacks in case guests wanted any so I decided to go and raid the breakfast room. I climbed down our stairs and used the button to enter the breakfast room. I found a couple of croissants, a couple of pieces of cake and some marshmallow. Ok I know that isn’t exactly a nutritious meal but we were on holiday. Juggling my contraband I tried to open the door but it would not shift. “Shit” I had no phone with me and there were no people in this section of the hotel as all the staff had gone home and the rooms were all self contained units. I started to panic what was I going to do. I pressed the button then pulled the door – no joy, I did it again and again and still it didn’t work. So I put the food down on the table (I was of course trying to open it whilst still holding all my contraband – I was drunk remember) and pushed the button and pulled at the same time – eureka. I suddenly remembered the brief we had been given earlier that day “You must hold in the button whilst pulling the door.” If only I had remembered that 20 minutes earlier. 

You would have thought Mary would have learnt from my mistake but oh no she had to go one better. She decided to go and sit in the lounge / breakfast area to write her blog. Someone kindly let her in which was helpful as she hadn’t taken the keys. I had just come out of the shower when I received a call from Mary. You guessed it, the staff had gone home and as she had no key she had no remote control and was completely stuck and couldn’t get out so with my dressing gown on and hair up in a towel I had to walk down from our room across the courtyard and let her out. And she wasn’t even drunk on that day!

NO SHE ATE IT 

Franschhoek is known for its fine dining and Mary and I were keen to treat ourselves to a Michelin star experience. Our hotel made us a reservation in a restaurant where we had the tasting menu and wine pairing. (You would have thought we would have learnt our lesson about wine) On the menu for your main you could choose between two options. I had Gruberg Cheese Agnolotti and Mary had Pan Seared Yellowtail with Pea risotto. When we had finished the Manager came over to ask for feedback on the two dishes as they were new to the menu that night. He picked up Mary’s plate and asked “How was the pea risotto madam” Her response “I didn’t have the pea risotto she did” she pointed at me. The manager looked down at Mary’s plate which clearly had the pea risotto on. “No Mary I didn’t have the pea risotto you did” I said “No I didn’t you had it” She replied quite annoyed at my denial. By this point I was laughing  the manager was extremely confused. I literally had to point to the pea on her plate and remind her what she had eaten. “Oh” she said “yes I had the pea risotto – it was very nice thank you.” By this point I was absolutely crying with laughter and the manager obviously thought Mary was maybe not quite all there. To be fair it was course number 6 so we were 6 glasses of wine in. 

THERE IS EITHER A WOMAN OR A GHOST IN OUR ROOM

The night after our meal we went to bed and Mary fell asleep before me. It didn’t take long until she was happily snoring. (Snoring made her happy but it didn’t make me very happy). I finally drifted off to sleep when I heard a loud woman’s voice. I kept my eyes shut too scared to open and listened for a few minutes. I could hear Mary snoring so she obviously didn’t hear it. Now there was either someone in the room or there was a ghost and I wasn’t sure which. To be fair which ever it was I really didn’t want to see so I kept my eyes firmly shut and focused on my breathing. I couldn’t hear anything other than Mary’s snores so I fell back to sleep. Next morning Mary said to me “Did you hear me last night?” I said “Yes you were snoring.” Mary replied “I know I was snoring so much I woke myself up and shouted WAS THAT ME. Then I fell back to sleep” “OMG I thought there was someone in the room you scared the shit out of me” I said. So my intruder was just my very noisy night partner. 

THE NIGHT TIME FONDLE

Now I love Mary but there is a line right! Every hotel we went to they thought we were honeymooners. Our travel agent had told everyone we were away for a celebration, which we were it was for Marys 65^th birthday, but for some reason I am convinced it was translated into honeymooners. In our lovely penthouse suite in Hermanus we had to ask them to split the beds. Now whilst we did have our own duvets the beds were still touching. This wouldn’t normally be too much of an issue but Mary had been suffering from a sore throat and chest so she was snoring like a foghorn so being that close wasn’t ideal but I got out the ear plugs and snuggled down on our first night. Imagine my surprise when I was woken up to Mary fondling me! Ok let me add some clarity, it wasn’t like a foo foo fondle or anything she had just decided that she would really like to hold my hand. I quickly moved my hand out of her grasp turned over and balanced on the edge of the bed as far away from her as possible.

NIGHT TIME FOGHORN

The next night in our lovely penthouse with the very close beds I was taken poorly. I don’t know what it was but I was vomiting from both ends. I didn’t know if to sit on the toilet or put my head in it. I spent a little time laying on the bathroom floor and then made my way to bed. Every time I dozed off I was woken by Mary’s snoring and every time I woke up I felt really sick. After a couple of hours of this I knew I couldn’t cope any more. So I went into the front room took all the cushions off the sofa and slept on the floor as best I could. But believe it or not I could still hear Mary’s snoring but at least it wasn’t right next to me and in my ear. 

RACE TO THE BOAT

I was super excited for whale watching in Hermanus, but I do get bad sea sickness, so I absolutely wanted to make sure I had a seat outside as the sea air helps, plus you see more from the outside. Obviously we arrived early and were the 5^th and 6^th people to be there. Surely fair is fair and first come first on the boat. As we waited more and more people came until there was about 80 people. As the boat docked it was obvious that less than half of the people would get on the top of the boat. We listened to the safety briefing and were told to wait where we were to allow others to disembark before we made our way to the boat. Imagine my horror when loads of people ignored this instruction and rushed to the boat. I was absolutely not having that so off I ran with Mary close behind. Being British we joined the queue but loads of people were pushing in and I was getting more and more annoyed. We were nearly at the front and there were only a few seats left. Then 2 things happened. Firstly a group from Russia had sent one person to push in at the front a few people up from us and they had all their coats on about 6 seats shouting that they were saving them for the group. I could feel my blood boiling – no you can’t do savies! If they aren’t on the boat they can’t have the seat surely! Then this other family tried to push right in front of us. They just walked straight to the front completely ignoring the queue. I tapped the man on the shoulder “excuse me, the queue is back there.” He looked at me and pretended he didn’t speak English. He absolutely knew what I was saying he was just being an ignorant dick! I decided to take actions into my own hands and pushed Mary and I in front of them. As we were boarding there was just two seats left. I ran onto that boat and quickly grabbed the seats before anyone else could. It was like a really bad game of musical chairs.

NEVERMIND THE CHILD I NEED A SELFIE

Whilst on the Whale Watching boat there was a Polish woman sat next to Mary. She had a child on her lap of about 4 who was very scared of the boat as it was so choppy. The child was screaming and crying and her Mum was hugging her tight whispering reassurances. What a wonderful Mum I thought – until the whales came! As soon as the Whales started to show themselves she launched her child off her lap jumped up to spend a good 10 minutes trying to get just the right selfie of herself with the Whales in the background. – Unbelievable. 

FOO FOO ON SHOW

In our lovely penthouse suite we had a wonderful bath with a view. I decided I just must have a bath and watch the sea. There were a few lines on the glass which I assumed was like privacy glass. I was laying in the lovely bath watching the sea when I noticed some people stop opposite the hotel and look out to sea pointing. They must be able to see a whale I thought. So I stood up in the bath and lent against the window to get a better view of what they were looking at. I stood for a couple of minutes up against the glass straining to see. Then it happened! The people turned round and looked up. As I made eye contact with me I had the sudden realisation that they could see me and not only my eyes my boobs and foo foo were also pressed up against the glass giving the whole of Hermanus their very own Emma Whale view.

DON’T TELL ME HOW TO PARK

Driving into Hermanus town Mary found a parking spot. As she started her parking manoeuvre this man started giving her instructions on how to park. Mary was raging. “Yes thank you I know how to park” she said through gritted teeth whilst shooing him away with her hand. He kept doing this circle hand signal. I could see Mary getting more annoyed. Then another man appeared in an official vest and he too started gesturing. “YES I KNOW HOW TO PARK -THANK YOU” Mary yelled and then “Oh – yes I understand thank you” Mary replied putting her hand up politely. We were on a one way street and was parking the wrong way around and they were telling her to turn around! Hilarious. 

TRACKING THE TOILET

Mary and I had driven out to find a certain walk that was meant to be lovely. As with everything in South Africa it was in the middle of nowhere. As we got closer I said to Mary. “I hope they have a toilet I am bursting.” As we approached the entrance there was danger tape across it with a sign saying closed due to danger. Great now I needed a wee and we were in the middle of nowhere. “Just drive on Mary I am sure we will come to something I said if not we will have to find somewhere I can have a wild wee.” As we drove Mary spotted an activity centre. “Just go there and ask if you can use the toilet.” I hate having to do things like that but I was absolutely desperate I approached the booth and there were two chaps sat inside. “Excuse me please could I use your toilet.” They looked at me and I think they could see the panic on my face and my hopping from leg to leg. I mean I have had 2 kids and one sneeze and it would have been over. “Yes it’s round the back” they said. I walk / ran to the door that said toilet. As I opened the door I was met by the sort of toilet where you know that sitting on the seat is a definite no and thankfully I had a tissue in my pocket. As I rushed to shut the door and pull down my shorts I realised the door wouldn’t shut. I hesitated for a minute and then just though “fuck it” and emptied my bladder with an ahhhhh. I went back to the car and we carried on along the road. Next thing we came across a sign saying “Danger, approach only if it is safe to do so”. What an earth does that mean? Mary and I looked at each other and as we edged forward the road turned into a rail track. “What should I so” said Mary. “Just drive really quickly” and with our breath held Mary put down her foot and we drove a couple of minutes down the train track just hoping a train wasn’t imminent.  

I WISH MARY WOULD STOP FARTING

Mary doesn’t know this story so if you are reading this she hasn’t censored and removed it from the blog. Our day travelling to safari was extremely stressful – but I am not going to cover that as I genuinely think I am still traumatised and I can’t yet see the humour of it. Anyhow it was safe to say we were both a little stressed and stress comes out in many ways. What I didn’t realise was that for Mary it would come out as wind. We were driving down some ridiculous track roads on the way and I kept getting this waft of what I could only explain as like an agricultural fart smell. In fact it was very close to what Bella’s farts smell like. I couldn’t believe Mary was just letting these farts go. I mean she must know they smelt? Now really I should have asked her if it was her, but after such a stressful day I didn’t want to fart shame her so I just held my counsel and every time I got a whiff I said in my head “Mary please stop farting.”

Fast forward a couple of days and I would still regularly get the scent of Mary’s fart especially when outside and on game drives. I mean at least she was saving them for outside and the game drives are super bumpy and Mary is 65 so its no wonder she couldn’t keep her farts in. On one of our last game drives Mary turned to Precious who was training to be a guide from Sim and said “what plant is it causing that smell.” Precious grabbed a leaf and said rub this in your fingers and smell. Mary took the leaf rubbed and smelled. “Yes that’s it she said.” She passed it to me to smell and that is when it hit me. This was the smell I had been smelling and it wasn’t Mary after all. 

SHOULD HAVE WORN A SPORTS BRA

As we drove toward our safari the road was super bumpy and we were bouncing up and down. Mary turned to me completely dead pan and said “I wish I had worn a sports bra.” Maybe you had to be there but it was absolutely hilarious. (Please note for those of you who don’t know Mary she has been blessed with rather large boobies.)

I AM STUCK

We were in the safari vehicle having just stopped to have a drink and Sim had shut all our doors and started to drive. I noticed Mary turned looking out of the window when she spoke “Erm Sim I’m stuck in the door I am strangling myself.” Her poncho had got caught in the door and she literally couldn’t move. Poor Sim had to jump out quickly before the lions arrived to open the door and rescue Mary from sure death through strangulation. 

STOP MOVING FURNITURE

With us having to get up at 4.30am every morning and my broken sleep through Mary’s night chorus., we decided to have a sleep after breakfast. We snuggled down and I drifted off to sleep. But I was woken by next door dragging furniture. I mean I couldn’t really complain as it was 11.30am in the morning but it was so annoying. As I lay there it was a constant drag. How can they be dragging for that long. How much furniture are they moving? I decided to go for a wee and as I walked back into the bedroom that’s when I heard it. The neighbours weren’t dragging furniture it was Mary’s strange snoring.

THE RACE IS ON

Whilst doing the game drives the best place to sit are the front seats, but of course everyone wants to sit there. So every morning and every afternoon we would ensure we were first to arrive to meet Sim and when he said we could go to the vehicle Mary and I would literally run to get the front seats. I mean for an old scarf wearing lady Mary is super quick. 

YOU ARE DETERMINED TO SEE ME NAKED

As I have mentioned Mary and I were being treated like honeymooners which in some ways was nice and other ways was somewhat awkward. We booked in for our treatments at the spa and were looking forward to some peace and relaxation and probably for Mary a little peace from my constant chatter. As we arrived at the spa the lady asked us to follow her. She walked us straight into a couples massage room. She told us to strip off removing our bras and to get on the beds and then left the room. Mary and I looked at each other and just laughed. Oh well nothing to be embarrassed about now – thank God we are such good friends. Ps I understand now why Mary needed a sports bra. 

WHERE ARE MY GLASSES

Whilst out on a game drive we had stopped and got out of the vehicle for a stretch and a drink. A Belgium couple were on their first drive and they were desperately trying to take a photo of themselves together. “Shall I take your photo for you” Mary kindly offered. “Oh yes please that would be great” they said handing over their phone. “Oh hang on I need my glasses. Where are my glasses. Emma have you seen my glasses. Where are they.” I looked at Mary with complete confusion as the young girl said to Mary in a very confused voice “They are on your face.” Yes you’ve guessed it Mary was frantically looking for her glasses whilst wearing them. 

HOW CLOSE

I thought that we would get close to the animals but I didn’t quite know how close that would be. We had tracked the lions to where they had been feeding from their kill. Sim pulled up super close to the female lions and we sat watching her in awe. All of a sudden she sat up and farted. We were that close we heard a lion fart. As if that wasn’t close enough she walked even closer to the vehicle eye balled us and then did the smelliest poo I have ever experienced. We were all sat on the vehicle covering our faces trying to escape the smell but we were unable to move the vehicle until she had finished her poo as we didn’t want to disturb her.

There are many more stories and anecdotes but I don’t want to bore you too much. So I will finish by saying I feel truly blessed to have experienced such an amazing holiday. Seeing animals in their natural habitat and so many amazing places and people. But most of all I feel blessed to have shared it with Mary.